I don't wear an American flag.

Real Americans are easy to spot in a crowd which is a good thing given all the photo ops in recent times. Wearing flag apparel is not limited to one political party. However wearing a flag is considered a requirement in some circles of Real Americans--particularly in situations where they will be in a large crowd that may also contain Fake Americans. They need to have a way to distinguish themselves from the "other," also known as, Fake Americans. I mean nothing says "Real American" more than having Old Glory draped across one's naughty parts! This is why Real Americans are expected to own attire like this:






Of course the actual Real American is more likely to look like this:

But flag attire isn't limited to street wear. Some Real Americans take the flag to the beach and the boudoir:














And let's not forget the Real American Halloween costume:

The less flamboyant Real Americans or those who must dress for a more professional environment prefer to show their Real American status by wearing a simple flag lapel pin.

Any Real American who fails to display the Stars and Stripes somewhere on his/her person is immediately suspected of being a secret Muslim. Some, like this man however, have managed to disavow wearing the flag while still apparently maintaining Real American status. Perhaps being an old white guy helps identify him as one of the chosen.

The hubster and I attend many patriotic events as secret Fake Americans. Sometimes we are instructed to wear something like a patriotic tie or scarf to show our status. Needless to say, ths presents a bit of a conundrum as we are put in a position of revealing our true identities. So far I've managed to put red, white and blue beads on my Trollbeads bracelet.

What's interesting to me, as an educated Fake American, is that the Real Americans seem to be unaware of how the American flag should actually be treated. The United States Code Title 4, Chapter 1--The Flag, Article 8 d. (the section entitled Respect for the Flag) states the following:

"The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery. It should never be festooned, drawn back, nor up, in folds, but always allowed to fall free. Bunting of blue, white, and red, always arranged with the blue above, the white in the middle, and the red below, should be used for covering a speaker's desk, draping the front of the platform, and for decoration in general."

It also appears that the Mother of all Real Americans should obtain a pocket-sized copy of the US Code to keep in her purse with her pocket Constitution.

I'm not sure what we Fake Americans can do to educate the Real Americans. Perhaps they will just have to learn the hard way like this guy did!